Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Who Needs Weight Watchers...?

A few months back, those of you who caught it might wonder what happened to my relationship with Weight Watcher's. Well, I'm trying which is to say "I'm failing". BUT BIG NEWS I've found a great diet... it's called SALMONELLA. It works like this:

Years 1 and 2: Make your own dog food with raw chicken and liver.
Day 1: Cut corners one day and unbeknownst to self pick up salmonella bacteria
Day 2: Squirt poo non-stop. Stop eating because you don't feel like it.
Day 2 Evening: Add fever of 102
Day 3 Early Morning: Add blood to poo and non-stop vomiting.
Day 3 Mid Morning: Add embarrassing episode at Army hospital with vomit, blood, poo, IVs and a bad reaction to the anti-nausea drug.
Day 3 Mid Afternoon: Poop pants in full-to-capacity Army hospital pharmacy
Day 3 Evening: Sleep from 5pm until midnight
Day 4 Early Morning: Vomit and bloody poo some more (if that's possible)
Day 4 Mid Morning: Hold half a banana down (at this point you have lost 10 pounds! CONGRATULATIONS!)
Day 4-7: Long recovery and re-hydration
Day 7: Back to normal.

That was my week. A special and a huge thank you to my dear friend and neighbor Tara Crooks who has now seen me at my absolute and most embarrassing worst. Without her, I wouldn't have made it to the hospital and I probably would have drowned in my bodily fluids.


Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your 10lbs! Sorry about how you did it!!! But am glad you are well now!!!


Tara Crooks said...

LMAO! You are such a crack up I cannot even begin to tell you. You really should publish some of this stuff. People like me (big fat pregnant can't hold your pee people) would be wetting themselves all over! ha ha ha ha .....

Anyway you're welcome. You forgot to tell them that we're "even" now.

Love, T